Chapter 10: The Past · Five

Gu Yunsheng faintly had the illusion that time had come to a standstill, lasting forever, as if a lifetime would never pass

Under the streetlight, Jiang Tian's expression seemed to twist for a moment, but it was too quick, so quick that Gu Yunsheng knew it was merely a one-sided illusion of his own. Jiang Tian turned his hand and patted Gu Yunsheng's hand resting on his shoulder, then spoke in a calm voice, saying: "It's nothing serious. Just tell me what type you like, and I will find someone to introduce to you. It's nothing serious."

Go next time, there will definitely be more opportunities

Gu Yunsheng, who was originally listless, suddenly sprang up from the sofa upon hearing this news. He recalled the day he bid farewell at the train station in T City, when he asked Jiang Tian about his summer vacation plans. At that time, Jiang Tian told him that he was going to a temple in the southern mountainous region to conduct surveying internships with senior students from the Department of Ancient Architecture.

However, the two people always have to meet. As soon as summer vacation began and I just got home, before my luggage even touched the ground, Mom Gu said, "Jiang Tian called yesterday, and I told him you would be home today." He stood dumbfounded at the door for a long time before responding, put down his luggage, and casually picked up the phone, the number being all too familiar. As soon as he heard Jiang Tian's voice, filled with joy, he said, "Jiang Tian, you still have a conscience, calling to check in. Yes, I’m back, just arrived."

However, he and Jiang Tian maintain a habit of communicating once every half month, occasionally also making phone calls. In the letters, both he and Jiang Tian remain in a state reminiscent of their university days, happily sharing updates about their studies and lives, without a hint of gloom or complexity

Those four characters followed Gu Yunsheng for the next few years. The correspondence during school, the travels during winter and summer vacations, seemed to only make everything more hopeless. Thus, in the second half of his junior year, Gu Yunsheng left for City T without informing anyone, remaining silent.

Gu Yunsheng gritted his teeth and washed several times, resulting in a series of chaotic dreams for several nights, all featuring Jiang Tian, which frightened him awake, drenched in sweat. Later, he resorted to splashing cold water on himself in the bathroom. The water supply system in U City was different from his hometown, relying on groundwater. The autumn weather was already cold, and the water was icy and piercing. Gu Yunsheng persevered for half a month, but eventually could not endure any longer, falling seriously ill for a week, burning with fever and feeling dizzy, with Jiang Tian still flashing before his eyes. Later, someone suggested he wash at the school's swimming pool, where there was hot water and fewer people. However, a new problem arose: the swimming pool was also open in winter, and there were always students who loved to exercise coming to swim. While other boys were fixated on the slender, straight legs of the girls, he found himself unable to suppress his attention on the waists and backs of the men. Gu Yunsheng initially felt anxious, experienced insomnia, and was restless. He also took advantage of his good relationships to borrow a library card from a student in the Chinese department to check out some books that were only available to Chinese department students at that time. The literature books in the U University library were all on the ground floor, and on days when the heating was off, with the biting cold, he stood by the shelf, feeling as if he were walking on thin ice while flipping through Lawrence, his face flushed. Yet, in the midnight hours, he still dreamt of Jiang Tian.

He really thought this way, repeatedly, until the summer vacation of his junior year when he was visiting a friend's house in another city. While watching television, he saw the news about heavy rain in the mountainous areas of a southern province causing floods, which forced the entire region to interrupt transportation and power supply.

Under such internal torment, when Gu Yunsheng returned home after finishing the first semester of university, he was utterly haggard and emaciated to the point of being unrecognizable.

A few days after Jiang Tian's departure, Gu Yunsheng packed his bags and headed north, becoming one of the many new students at U University. Arriving in a strange environment free from parental constraints, almost everyone, like fish on the verge of death entering the sea, came to life and thrived. Gu Yunsheng, who had always been the most playful and adept at mingling with strangers, was especially delighted, wishing that each day could have thirty-six hours to immerse himself in this vibrant and positive atmosphere.

Jiang Tian did not seem particularly surprised by Gu Yunsheng's arrival, at least on the surface. After encountering each other in the study room at T University, Jiang Tian did not ask questions such as "Why are you here?" or "How long will you stay?" He simply inquired whether Gu Yunsheng would be staying at the school or in the city. After a slight hesitation, Gu Yunsheng chose the latter. Jiang Tian nodded, said nothing more, greeted his dormitory, and simply packed a few pieces of clothing. He then went with Gu Yunsheng to find a guesthouse near the art museum in the city center.

After queuing at the station to buy tickets, it was almost noon. After lunch, the two of them took the No. 11 bus that circles the city, making a loop around City T. Jiang Tian fell asleep along the way, while Gu Yunsheng watched the shadows of the trees flit past beneath his eyelids. The bright sun made his skin ache, and squinting against the glaring sunlight, he looked up to see the sky a deep blue, with clouds spread across the horizon like well-fed sheep lying down.

2:00 PM. There are almost no people in the car. Jiang Tian's breathing is occasionally drowned out by the sound of the engine and the horns outside, only to faintly return in the next moment

He spent a year coming to understand that he is gay. He thought that finding the answer would bring clarity, but instead, he remained trapped in an unknown darkness, watching others walk on a broad avenue while he could see neither light nor a path ahead. It was only at this moment that he realized the crux of the issue was not his homosexuality, but Jiang Tian.

After returning to University U for a long time, Gu Yunsheng spent his days in doubt and contemplation: Did Jiang Tian find out? Long before he recklessly went to City T, he had sensed Jiang Tian's probing gaze lingering on him several times, but whenever he looked back, that gaze would shift away, leaving no trace. When did he lose his grip? Was it the initial kiss, or some later deliberate intimacy, or perhaps that time when he took advantage of Jiang Tian being drunk for a "careless" embrace... The more he thought about it, the more he dared not think, yet he could not help but think, and he could not ask, so he gritted his teeth and secretly reminded himself: Jiang Tian is different from him. When did he lose his grip? Was it the initial kiss, or some later deliberate intimacy, or perhaps that time when he took advantage of Jiang Tian being drunk for a "careless" embrace... The more he thought about it, the more he dared not think, yet he could not help but think, and he could not ask, so he gritted his teeth and secretly reminded himself: Jiang Tian is different from him. Just endure a little longer, and when they have all graduated and gone to different places to work and live, perhaps they can return to the starting point.

The unfamiliar place name was one that Gu Yunsheng had never heard of. He unintentionally pretended to understand in front of Jiang Tian and even asked him in detail about its location. He remembered that Jiang Tian patiently told him it was in the mountainous area at the border of a certain province, a certain city, a certain county, and another certain county, and then added, "The village where the temple is located is just downstream of the Yin River, next to a small hill called Boshan, which is said to be very beautiful"

Upon hearing this, Gu Yunsheng fixed his gaze on him intently. In the end, he put his arm around Jiang Tian's shoulder and laughed heartily, suppressing his slightly trembling voice: "Yes, yes, I originally didn't want to say it, but you saw right through me. It's truly embarrassing."

Not long after Jiang Tian woke up, he found Gu Yunsheng sitting in his original spot, staring blankly at the orchids swaying unpredictably in the wind outside the window. He stretched lazily, which immediately brought Gu Yunsheng back to his senses, who then smiled mischievously and said, "You were sleeping so soundly that I couldn't wake you even if I drew a turtle on your face."

What reassured him somewhat was that Jiang Tian could not return during the winter break due to academic commitments. It is strange to say, but previously, just thinking of Jiang Tian's name would make him tremble; however, now that he truly cannot see him, his heart has calmed, and he is not so afraid anymore. The weight he had lost has returned during this winter break.

University life inadvertently shaped two individuals. Gu Yunsheng felt that Jiang Tian's facial features had become more defined, darker, and sturdier, yet his brows and eyes remained exactly the same as when she first met him. Upon closer inspection, it seemed as if one could sink into them and drown.

Before this, they had been chatting idly, discussing everything under the sun, from the bizarre to the mundane, without caring whether they strayed off topic. Each of them held a book in their hands, yet neither was reading; they flipped through the pages absentmindedly, glancing at it from time to time. Later, the intervals between Jiang Tian's responses grew longer and longer. Gu Yunsheng asked, "What do you think?" After a long silence without a reply, he looked up and saw that Jiang Tian had tilted his head and fallen asleep.

He was so happy that he was trembling, thinking that the most beautiful dream could not surpass this moment. However, he then heard Jiang Tian's smiling voice, which sounded as if he were coaxing and comforting a sulky child: "Alright, stop pretending to be drunk; I'm not a woman."

In the following days, Jiang Tian also did not attend classes, instead choosing to accompany Gu Yunsheng in leisure activities, visiting museums, art galleries, and other famous landmarks, watching movies, roller skating, and browsing bookstores. They also engaged in conversation, talking continuously. Jiang Tian spoke so much that Gu Yunsheng was taken aback, but the topics were nothing more than food, drink, entertainment, and various aspects of T City

It is simply a case of drinking poison to quench thirst. As Gu Yunsheng bent down cautiously to kiss Jiang Tian, a word he had never thought of using before flashed through his mind

Gu Yunsheng, in a dazed state, continued to stare at Jiang Tian, grinning foolishly as he gave him a push. Having drunk alcohol, he could not control his strength and pushed Jiang Tian hard, causing him to stumble backward. Gu Yunsheng was startled and quickly grabbed him, and the two half-drunk individuals, influenced by the opposing forces, ended up embracing each other.

Having known Jiang Tian for more than ten years, he has never dreamed of him so frequently. Gu Yunsheng feels that Jiang Tian is everywhere, like a fool trying to scoop up the moon from the water, or attempting to quench his thirst with the mirage's clear spring

Jiang Tian subconsciously went to look for a mirror. When he realized it was all just a joke, he curled his lips and casually threw the book in his hand into the lap of Gu Yunsheng, who was sitting in the armchair. The parabolic trajectory of the book obscured Jiang Tian's line of sight, and he did not see Gu Yunsheng's gaze, which was both joyful and helpless. In the blink of an eye, it had all passed.

He sat once again in his grandfather Jiang Tian's study. The elders held hands and went together to get their hair cut, leaving Aunt Zhang downstairs to prepare the sea cucumbers specifically for dinner. The aroma of the chicken soup simmering to stew the sea cucumbers wafted up and down the stairs, a delicate scent drifting through the cracks of the door into the room. The room's simple furnishings had remained unchanged for over a decade. The afternoon sunlight poured in inch by inch through the flowers and plants on the windowsill, while the sliced watermelon and plums rested on the tea table beside him. Jiang Tian lay asleep in a bamboo chair, and Gu Yunsheng, when he became aware of it, had unknowingly walked to Jiang Tian's side.

The palms were sweating, and the heartbeat was like thunder; the alcohol had instantly sobered him up. Gu Yunsheng did not dare to move, yet unexpectedly, Jiang Tian also remained still, both of them silent like stones, even their breathing was restrained

The new school is excellent in every way, but there is one thing that makes Gu Yunsheng's scalp tingle and even fills him with dread: he is afraid of going to the bathhouse

After living this way for a week, one morning, Gu Yunsheng woke up, sat in a daze for a minute or two, and the first thing he said was, "I want to go back tomorrow"

"Well, everything feels like hard bones, so I know it's not the case." Gu Yunsheng revealed a smile that no one could see and released the hand that had just been clasped behind Jiang Tian's back

Two people were carrying unfinished bottles of wine, walking in a daze towards the direction of the inn. When they reached outside the inn, Jiang Tian suddenly asked, "Hey, you haven't just gone through a breakup, have you?"

At that moment, Jiang Tian was contemplating whether to take him for a stroll in the suburbs the next day. Upon hearing Gu Yunsheng say this, he momentarily froze, and casually replied, "Oh, that sounds good. I was actually thinking of accompanying you to Qing'an Temple tomorrow. It's an old temple, very beautiful, and not crowded, definitely worth a visit"

As a southerner, when he first stepped into the bathhouse of University U, he thoroughly experienced the differences between the north and the south. During his childhood, when water heaters were still far from being widespread, he certainly accompanied his parents to public bathhouses, but the bathhouses in the south were all individual cubicles. Unlike here, where upon entering, one is greeted by a misty haze filled with bare bodies, reminiscent of an Impressionist painting by Renoir

Waking up to the river and sky, I just happened to drive back to the old town, jumped out of the car, and wandered through the winding and complex road system of the unrenovated old city. I found a small but clean restaurant, walked in to have dinner, ordered a dozen beers and four dishes, and drank until the young waitress mustered the courage to come over and say, "I'm sorry, but we are closing."

His hand brushed aside Jiang Tian's hair, his fingertips lingering cautiously on his cheek. However, even a slightly heavier breath from Jiang Tian made him startle and quickly withdraw his hand. Yet, upon realizing that he was still sound asleep, he found it hard to resist reaching out again, watching his fingers leave faint traces on the sun-kissed skin, almost imperceptible.