Nine

Su Wei, I am truly sorry. Even if I were to die a thousand times, I could never atone for my sins. Over the years, that night has been a nightmare not only for you but for me as well

But as soon as I finished speaking, I threw myself into Chen Mobei's arms and cried out loud

Perhaps our youth was originally just a dream, a dream filled with laughter and warmth, but also with cruelty and betrayal. In the end, they all awakened, each destined to go to different places, continuing to pursue other dreams.

Life has once again returned to a state of tranquility, yet it is devoid of the dimness, the festivities, the presence of Gu Meng, and the brightness of Qing Tian

I am not happy, so I want none of you to be happy either

In the years that followed, I have always wondered whether our group of people has been cursed by this city; otherwise, why is it that those who remain feel so solitary, while others simply leave without looking back

In the countryside at night, I sleep particularly well

Since then, I have not seen her again

At that moment, I could hardly distinguish whether my feelings for him were love or hate. If it was love, then why did I want to perish together with him? If it was hate, then why did I feel that I loved him so deeply?

He recalled the Christmas many years ago, when they were still poor students. He had spent a week's worth of meal money to buy a bouquet of red roses for Gu Meng. When she received them, not only did she not smile, but she instead cried.

He said: "Su Wei, in the past I did not understand what pain meant, but now I do"

He still wore an indifferent expression on his face, but I knew that he had taken my words to heart

The last time I saw Qing Tian, the childishness on her face had completely vanished, replaced by a look of profound weariness.

I originally intended to take this letter to Zhou Jianian, but as soon as he heard me mention the name Qingtian, he showed a displeased expression, so I had no choice but to silently stuff it into my pocket

I once loved you, but my love for you was not enough to resist my love for material things. My departure from you is not because I no longer love you, but simply because I love those material things more.

The night was cool as water, and Zhou Jianian was suddenly awakened by an inexplicable sense of panic. He opened his eyes and looked over, only to find that I was not in bed.

But I cried out to him, "Do not touch me, I beg you, do not touch me"

Everyone must take responsibility for their own actions

I cry, and I want the whole world to cry with me; I hurt, and I want the whole world to hurt with me

Sometimes, after I wake up, I experience illusions and cannot distinguish between dreams and reality

A long time later, I received a letter with no address, but the postmark indicated it was from a place I might never visit in my lifetime. I tried to locate it on the map, but ultimately I gave up

She never asks like this, as if she has an innate understanding of everything.

At that moment, he appeared slightly distracted

He also said: "Su Wei, since you have decided to wait, you must face it with strength"

After visiting Zhou Jianian, Chen Mobei asked me, "Su Wei, would you like a hug?"

This is not a primitive society that indulges in raw flesh and blood; this is a civilized society governed by legal norms and constraints

However, fortunately, fortunately, there is another kind: we are in love, and no force can separate us

If they were truly present in my life, why have they all disappeared one by one

She informed me in the letter that she is not a wealthy young lady at all

Gradually, I stopped thinking about it

There must be a dark side inherent in human nature, and this is no exception even in the name of "love"

This is Gu Meng and Chen Mobei

I shook my head, "I am fine, I can handle it."

Zhou Jianian did not ask Qingtian who that shadow was. When he carried me away from that alley, he said nothing to Qingtian, but his silhouette made her understand one thing—he would never forgive her

She is the grandmother of the person I love, she is the grandmother of Zhou Jianian

Perhaps she wrote to me not to gain anything, but simply to avoid appearing too lonely in this way—because the letters she sends out still have a place to be delivered to

Every time I leave, she always sees me off for a long distance, then slowly walks back alone along the country path. I often find myself with tears in my eyes as I watch her increasingly stooped figure.

Zhou Jianian, even death cannot separate us

This is the sunny field from that year

We have not seen Gu Meng again, and we gradually stopped mentioning her name. However, one Christmas, as Chen Mobei and I were leaving a bar, a girl selling flowers stopped us and said, "Brother, buy a flower for your sister, she is so beautiful."

He saw me curled up with the curtains wrapped around me in the corner of the balcony. He slowly walked over, crouched down, and wanted to embrace me

Every half month, I take a green train to the countryside, to a small station, so small that hardly anyone knows of its existence

In fact, I am truly foolish; how could I have known that I am not... not the so-called heiress of a wealthy family, but merely an abandoned child they adopted

But this is my own choice, I face it, I bear it

I remember the first time I went back to the countryside with Zhou Jianian. I stood in the crowded aisle and told myself that there would be many more difficult things to face in the future. However, at that time, I could never have imagined that the so-called difficult things would be so arduous.

She blames him for spending money recklessly on these extravagant yet impractical items

Since he left campus, he has been mingling in society, having made friends in various circles. Moreover, this is not a large city, and with a little inquiry, one can easily locate that shadow.

I am too foolish, and my foolishness has harmed too many people

I do not understand how things have come to this point, I have already given him all the money, why is he not honoring the transaction

He is no longer a youthful lad; his face now bears the calmness of an adult man

I want to know whether they are the people from my dreams or if they are individuals who have truly appeared in my life

If the people in my dreams are merely figments of my imagination, why do they feel so real to me

Su Wei, at this moment, I just want to sincerely say to you, I am sorry

Chen Mobei and I are always together, and many people assume that we are a couple

In the years that followed, during my idle moments, I would often ponder certain questions alone. The one I contemplated the most was, in how many ways can love exist

I cannot speculate on Zhou Jianian's feelings at the moment he acted. Did he ever consider the consequences of striking down with that stick? Did he think about the fact that the other person's spine is not made of steel or iron? ... Did he contemplate the price to be paid for intentionally causing harm that results in lifelong paralysis for another?

I am truly bewitched, and I cannot even fathom why I have been so malicious.

But in fact, I have someone I am waiting for, and he does too

Su Wei, I was once a kind person, I was once very innocent, I once thought about offering you my blessings, or like Lu Yihan, even if I do not bless you, I would no longer disturb you

My brother went abroad to study at the age of seventeen. Before he left, our parents felt that he was already an adult, so they informed him of this matter. Later, he also told his girlfriend, who is now his wife

Chen Mobei gently patted my back and said, "A person can live like an ant, yet be as beautiful as a deity"

This is Lan Shan and Chen Mo Bei

In fact, there is no need; what significance is there in clarifying where she is?

All those who have left will appear in my dreams, still so young, so beautiful

Do you know that I have an older brother? In fact, he has known about this matter for a long time. After giving birth to him, my mother has not been in good health and it was simply impossible for her to have another daughter, even though she longed for a daughter so much

At that time, I naively believed that those reasons were true, and I even argued with him in a fit of anger, asking, "Is it my fault that I was born into a wealthy family?"

I admit that he is right; love can exist in any form.

But I like it there; it is not like the Maldives described by Mai Dou, with "coconut groves and clear water with fine sand," but it has endless wheat fields, fresh air, and a very kind old man who treats me well

At that time, I only thought this poem was beautiful. However, my experience was still limited, and I did not understand its true meaning. But when I found myself crying in front of Chen Mobei, unable to utter a single word, I suddenly understood

We are all such people; we do not use gentle words to tell each other that "time will slowly heal you"; we do not.

It was only this one time that I heard Chen Mobei mention her, after which this name completely vanished from our lives, as if it had never existed at all

Social relationships form a vast network, and no one can escape its reach. Zhou Jianian easily traced the source of that limited edition handbag in the second-hand store

If it were not for their return to the country, if it were not for my sister-in-law's concern that I might compete with my brother for the family fortune, if it were not for her foresight in wanting to eliminate all potential dangers to her husband, perhaps I would never have known about this matter in my entire life

Thus, I only managed to arrive at the scene before he got into the police car. The crowd was in an uproar, and the whole world was watching us, but I only remember the look he gave me as he turned back for the last time

She said, Su Wei, before you appeared, I once asked Jian Nian why he was unwilling to be with me. He always came up with different excuses. I remember one time he told me, it's because your family is too wealthy, and I cannot afford to associate with you.

Zhou Jianian allowed me to ramble on in a daze for a long time. Eventually, he held my head firmly, his expression carrying a fierce determination akin to that of a desperate outlaw. He asked me, Su Wei, what must you do to forget this matter

But later, she came to believe that those superficial things were good and beautiful, even worth her giving up the deep affection cultivated over many years.

Later, Qing Tian wrote me many letters one after another, but she never left an address. Therefore, even though I really wanted to tell her that I no longer hated her, that I had gradually forgotten that nightmare, I had no way to let her know all of this

We demand blood debts to be repaid with blood

But I think if it were me, and someone harmed Zhou Jianian, I would definitely go all out to seek revenge

Before I could react, she knelt down directly in front of me

I was awakened by his voice, and I stared at him intently, telling him word by word, I want him dead

A moment of silence, Zhou Jianian seemed to be frozen in place, gazing deeply at me.

On the night I learned about my origins, I walked alone on the main road, and in the latter half of the night, it started to rain, leaving me shivering all over from the cold

And I am still immersed in this dream, stubbornly remaining the one who refuses to wake up

At that moment, I truly wanted to die

She never asks me, why is it always you who comes alone? Why doesn't Jia Nian come together?

The only purpose of those things that men hold is to exchange them for tangible money

I am the only one kept in the dark, completely unaware, recklessly indulging in my actions relying on my privileged family background

But it is precisely because I have been in this unending dream that I have enough courage to tell myself, Su Wei, you are very brave, you can wait.

That night, Qing Tian carried a limited edition handbag, but when she woke up, both the handbag and the necklace around her neck were gone

His eyes remained so bright in the darkness. I buried my face in my knees, incoherently crying out softly: "I really want to die... but I am afraid of death... I tell myself to treat it as if I were bitten by a mad dog, to forget about it... to forget that night... but I cannot do it, I cannot do it... I really cannot do it..."... but I cannot do it, I cannot do it... I really cannot do it..."

What should have been obtained has not yet been acquired, what is to be lost has long been lost, what do you mean by the dawn you speak of

The elderly person's face is covered with wrinkles, yet you do not find those wrinkles unattractive at all; they are the accumulation of time and the sediment of wisdom. The elderly have their own set of survival rules that are entirely their own.

There is another kind of love, I love you so much that it is beyond the control of reason, a love that desires to destroy the one you love

If I were to truly die, it would be the most sincere repentance I could offer to you and Jianian, for I genuinely do not know what else I can do to atone for the mistakes I have made

In the end, I did not scold him anymore, as no amount of scolding would change anything. Moreover, his face clearly expressed, "I think it's worth it." I could only grit my teeth and say to him, "Zhou Jianian, I will wait for you; I will wait for you even if you sit in prison for a lifetime"

Yet I still cannot understand why our lives must face so many disasters and separations, and why we must be grateful for this life that is riddled with wounds. Why do we feel so powerless regarding the past and the future? Why do we only have this present, which we do not know how to navigate?

He looked at me for a long time, and he did not ask me whether it was true or not; he simply said, "Alright"

Chen Mobei accompanied me to visit him. The moment we met, I wanted to rush over and tear him apart. With tears streaming down my face, I pounded on the glass and asked him: "Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Zhou Jianian, answer me, is it worth it?"

That night, I was actually hiding around the corner. I heard your sobs and screams. Strangely, I did not feel the anticipated thrill of revenge; instead, I felt very anxious, very afraid, and even quite regretful

After all this time, I can now calmly answer that Su Wei, who sat in the darkness watching the play and questioning herself, is indeed experiencing love

Su Wei, I do not expect you to forgive me, I will never expect it.

But I just want you to know that in this mountainous area, I spend every day with these children, teaching them to read and write, and I feel that my soul has been restored

Why ... ...

Chen Mobei stated that God allows love to exist in any form, including same-sex love.

This is Su Wei and Zhou Jianian

I love you, and you love me, but not nearly as much as I love you. After I painfully resolved to confront this harsh reality, I decided to take the love I once had for you and direct it towards myself