A castle life that is not romantic at all

Based on the previous description, everyone is already aware of the unimaginable humiliation and the terrible dietary and medical treatment that one would endure when traversing back to ancient Egypt around 2000 to 3000 BC, and finds it very difficult to bear, let alone to relish.

Then, let us draw closer in time, leaping forward three thousand years from the ancient Egyptian civilization along the banks of the Nile, to the future center of civilization across the Mediterranean, Europe around the turn of the first millennium. How about experiencing the charm of medieval Europe? Surely, the lives of these Europeans, having developed over three thousand years, must have progressed significantly compared to those of the ancient Egyptians!

I must speak frankly, you will likely feel extremely disappointed, perhaps even thinking that this damned medieval Europe is less comfortable than ancient Egypt, wishing to hurry back to ancient Egypt for a bath, and to partake in various humiliating activities such as shaving, running around naked, and being urinated on.

In ancient Egypt, you typically only needed to worry about the safety of your virtue and teeth; in medieval Europe, the challenges you would face were even more terrifying

These castles are indeed historical and cultural heritage, recorded in government archives. If future generations neglect them to the point of erosion and collapse, or recklessly convert them into warehouses, the relevant cultural relics departments will hold you accountable in court

Let us first discuss the castles of the Middle Ages. Essentially, a castle is a military stronghold meant for defense, rather than a luxurious palace for ostentation, nor a vacation villa for enjoying the pleasures of life. These formidable fortresses, constructed of solid stone and surrounded by deep moats, guarded by iron gates and drawbridges, indeed instilled fear in unwelcome guests who sought to glimpse the wealth of the nobility in the war-torn Europe of the Middle Ages, yet they did not necessarily provide comfort for their inhabitants

Similarly, under the backward productivity of the Middle Ages, the maintenance and repair costs of a castle were also a burden that many could not bear

Of course, these trivial chores are naturally handled by the servants; the masters only need to worry about how to get their meticulously crafted luxurious carriages through the winding and narrow mountain roads, up the steep slopes, and then into their own castles

Moreover, these castles not only incur substantial inheritance taxes, but their maintenance costs are also quite high. Not to mention the size of the castles and the complexity of their structures, just the transportation of heavy building materials and related machinery by construction teams over long distances, including the need to bring their own food, water, and generators, significantly increases labor costs compared to renovations in the city.

In summary, after inheriting this castle, regardless of whether you choose to reside in it or not, you are required to maintain the castle in its original condition. Any renovations that alter the appearance of the building, even if it is merely to run a wire or install a few air conditioners, must be applied for and reported several months in advance. Furthermore, all repair materials must be sourced from government-designated manufacturers' specialized brand products, which are invariably exorbitantly priced. Additionally, you must hire professionals for the construction, and the labor costs can be quite shocking. Annually spending over 100,000 euros is considered normal, which is typically unaffordable for anyone who is not a millionaire.

In terms of the real world, the main theme of medieval Europe revolves around knights and castles, and the journey of time travel inevitably centers on these two elements. The protagonists do not laboriously traverse time and space merely to suffer hardships or undergo re-education as impoverished peasants; rather, they seek to experience the charm of the medieval era and achieve great deeds. Naturally, they would not choose to reincarnate as serfs or thieves, although aspiring to be like Robin Hood is a different matter. At the very least, they would aim to attain the title of a noble knight, with a castle, a manor, armor, and a few young maidens to flirt with.

Ahem, to get back to the point, what impressions do people have of medieval Europe?

The hygiene practices of medieval Europeans were notably poor, resulting in those seemingly grand and majestic castles often being filled with dust, cobwebs, bedbugs, fleas, mosquitoes, flies, and household waste, likely making them less clean than the cardboard shelters of contemporary Japanese homeless individuals

In order to maintain a serious tone, it is best to first exclude the unscientific fantastical creations such as witches, vampires, and werewolves before discussing the characteristics of medieval Europe. Who knows if these magical beings might open a time portal in their own fireplace, simply by sprinkling a handful of strange powder on themselves and then crouching down to dive into the fireplace, allowing them to run to the Champs-Élysées in twenty-first century Paris to buy the latest fashion

Additionally, in Europe, there are some magnificent castles that are often regarded as tourist attractions. In fact, these were constructed by modern nobles who favored grandeur, built after the Renaissance, and even in the 18th and 19th centuries, or they underwent extensive renovations on the sites of old castles. They can hardly be considered true medieval castles; they can only be described as "palaces that look like castles," which are quite similar to the castles found in Disneyland.

Through the "Grimm's Fairy Tales" and "Andersen's Fairy Tales" read in childhood, as well as countless Hollywood blockbusters watched in adulthood, modern individuals generally have such romantic associations with medieval Europe:

Moreover, the large textiles of medieval Europe remained quite expensive... In those poorer regions, generally only the lords of the castles were entitled to sleep on beds, while others, even if they were knightly attendants, could only sleep on straw piles like livestock, occasionally being bitten by bedbugs alongside their beloved horses

In fact, in modern Germany and Austria, there are still many descendants of fallen nobility who have inherited ancient castles, yet they shun these ancestral legacies, willing to transfer them for as little as 1 euro online, but still find few takers. Most medieval castles were built in remote, sparsely populated mountainous areas, lacking water and electricity, and even a trip to the supermarket requires driving dozens of kilometers. Apart from archaeological experts, no one else is willing to reside there.

Secondly, in order to guard against the enemy's arrows and catapults, medieval castles rarely had window openings in their outer walls, resulting in the interiors of the castles being perpetually dark, devoid of sunlight, and consequently very damp. Furthermore, the architectural standards of the time were inadequate, leading to inevitable cracks in the walls and roofs, which caused significant leakage during rain, thereby making cleanliness within the castle a considerable issue

The castle was built by the Duke of Bavaria in the late 19th century as a "royal theme park". Many of the ornate structures, such as the spires, were made of concrete. You can imagine it as a modern Disney park—real medieval castles are not this charming!

The magnificent and splendid castle, the knights in shining armor, the passionately fiery noblewomen, the elegantly shy princesses, the witches cloaked in black or purple, the vampires hiding in the graveyard, the werewolves howling under the moonlight ...? ... Hey, hey? It seems that something strange has mixed in here

Uh? You said that the German castles you saw in the travel guide are very magnificent and comfortable, and are not at all as unfortunate as I described

Firstly, in order to facilitate long-term defense, castles are mostly built in locations with steep terrain, such as cliffs, mountain tops, and islands in the middle of rivers. However, the synonym for steep terrain is inconvenient transportation. If your castle is situated on a rugged and steep mountain top, it may seem to overlook the world with great majesty, but each trip up the mountain to return home can be exhausting. If there are not enough wells within the castle, then fetching water and transporting food daily can also be quite laborious. If your castle is situated on a rugged and steep mountain top, it may seem to overlook the world with great majesty, but each trip up the mountain to return home can be exhausting. If there are not enough wells within the castle, then fetching water and transporting food daily can also be quite laborious

It is regrettable that dreams are abundant while reality is stark; the life of medieval nobility is not as comfortable as you might imagine

The drawbacks of life in a medieval castle are primarily as follows

During the years of the Cultural Revolution, cities of all sizes across China were desperately constructing air defense works and excavating countless air raid shelters. However, after the reform and opening up, it seems that not many people seeking cheap housing moved in to live there... Where in the world could there be a livable military fortress

Therefore, by the end of the Middle Ages, as wars on the European continent became less frequent, the noble lords who valued quality of life began to move their possessions to more comfortable country villas or luxurious mansions in bustling cities, no longer willing to reside in those cursed dilapidated castles

Oh, you are probably referring to Neuschwanstein Castle in Bavaria, Germany

Well, what should we do next? Is it possible to just live in this large and beautiful castle, holding a fragrant princess in my arms, showing off at the knight tournaments every year, occasionally going to the countryside to find a few peasant girls I fancy to exercise the right of the first night, and to change my taste by engaging in some wild battles?