05

That night, they all chose the most important person in their lives. If there is someone to blame, it can only be me, Jian Lening, for not being as important as An Xiaoduo; if there is someone to blame, it can only be for the fact that I got to know Xu Yan

When I realized how ridiculous the resentment I had accumulated in my heart over the past few months was, I finally collapsed helplessly to the ground and cried like a powerless child

He told me not to appear before him again, so how could he possibly take the initiative to seek me out

He feels constrained, and I also feel constrained for him

In fact, no one owes me anything

But Shanghai is this big, where can I hide?

I do not blame Xiao Jingjing for telling Lin Jiarui that I am here, because I have never informed her about what transpired between Lin Jiarui, Xu Yan, An Xiaoduo, Qi Xuan, and me during that time. Naturally, she is unaware of the secrets I have concealed in my heart

I kept calling the boy's name, listening to his flustered replies: "I am here! I am here!"

The young man extended his right hand, which was hanging to one side, holding two large plastic bags. The bags were filled to the brim, seemingly containing both food and useful items

Without those resentments, I have become quite lost as a person

I do not wish to draw others' attention, nor do I want anyone to know about the matter between Lin Jiarui and me, so I made my struggling movements a bit smaller

I turned around, facing away from him, unable to see the expression on his face

Because no one comforts me, I am so jealous

Throughout the journey, I pondered many reasons, yet I could not discern the cause for Xu Yan seeking me out

He actually did nothing wrong; at that time, he chose to rush to the side of the one he liked, An Xiaoduo. This is beyond reproach, as everyone has the right to choose their own happiness

Lin Jiarui also noticed my concerns, allowing me to pinch his flesh with my nails without letting go. Instead, he gripped my hand even tighter and pulled me out of the stairway.

However, at this moment, I was crying so much that Lin Jiarui was flustered and at a loss.

My mind is completely blank, and I am even disinclined to ponder why Lin Jiarui would know that I am here

But I have always pretended not to care, firmly believing that as long as I left the shantytown and came to this new environment, I would be able to rid myself of the shadows left by the past, to rid myself of Qi Xuan, to rid myself of An Xiaoduo, and to rid myself of Lin Jiarui

Lin Jiarui, after all, has a bad temper. He pulled me to a secluded place and couldn't help but start shouting at me.

When I reached the stairway and saw the tall figure standing in the corridor, I suddenly realized that Xu Yan had no reason to look for me, because it was not Xu Yan who was looking for me at all

Lin Jiarui ! Lin Jiarui ... ...

I have been pretending, pretending not to care about the love they give to An Xiaoduo, pretending that I can still live well without those warmth. However, I now realize how envious I am of An Xiaoduo, envious that she has so many people who love her, envious that when she is hurt, there are so many who comfort her by saying: "Don't cry, I am here."

Not letting go, unwilling to let go, just afraid that once I release my grip, that warmth will be lost

The boy, who has never been one to offer comfort, hurriedly dropped what he was holding, sat on the ground, and embraced me, like a child who had done something wrong, constantly blaming himself: "Jian Lening, don't cry. I was wrong, I am not good, I shouldn't have yelled at you. If you're sad, you can hit me, scold me, anything! Just don't be like this!"

I held onto his clothes tightly, not letting go. I did not hit him, nor did I scold him; I simply gripped his clothes with all my strength, refusing to release my hold.

It has been more than half a year since we last met, and Lin Jiarui has lost a lot of weight compared to before. His face used to have a bit of baby fat, fair and tender, but now his features are sharp, his complexion has darkened somewhat, and his slender figure appears even more elongated.

If I had not gone to find Tong Xingyu, Xu Yan would not have thought that I was responsible for his sister's death, and he would not harbor such resentment towards me

The image of him leaving after shouting wildly at noon, swaying his body, emerges in my mind

A sudden pang of pain shot through my nose, and I lost the strength to struggle, allowing Lin Jiarui to hold me.

Jian Lening, can you stop being so stubborn with me? Yes, that night I was only focused on Xiaoduo and left you behind, it was my fault, but I did not know that such a thing would happen. If I had known, I would never have abandoned you. The harm has already been done, no matter how much I say, you will not listen and will think I am just making excuses for myself. But have I not paid enough for this mistake? Jian Lening, if Xu Yan had been killed by my knife, I estimate I would spend my whole life in prison. Yet at the moment I struck, I did not regret it. I thought, finally, I had done something for the little eyes.

Compared to Qi Xuan, who abandoned me and left, compared to An Xiaoduo, who once hurt me, and compared to An Xiaoduo's mother, who dragged me out that day but then left me without ever apologizing, Lin Jiarui has already done enough for me

People often like to blame others after being hurt, never considering that many things are self-inflicted

The harm caused to me by Xu Yan was not what Lin Jiarui wished to happen; he felt guilty about that incident and was sorry for me, repeatedly speaking to me in a low and humble manner, and even went so far as to stab Xu Yan with a knife for my sake

Small eyes

My gaze did not linger on him for long; the moment I saw Lin Jiarui, I instinctively wanted to leave. However, he seemed to have known that I would do so. At the moment I turned to leave, he reached out and firmly grasped my wrist.

I began to struggle, wanting to shake off Lin Jiarui's hand. People occasionally passed by in the corridor, and they all looked at us with curiosity

Recently, I have been striving to prove myself. I feel that they have wronged me, so I want to live better than them. I want them to see that without Qi Xuan and Lin Jiarui, I, Jian Lening, can live better than An Xiaoduo. I am not sad, I am not heartbroken; I can smile at them, and I do not need their pity. I have been sustaining myself with this resentment until now. Since that time I cried hysterically, I have not cried again.

I know that he has been released. Not long ago, my father and I were discussing him while having dinner.

In retrospect, it turns out that everything was my fault

Hello!

This time it is indeed real

He said, Jian Le Ning, if Xu Yan had been killed by my knife, I estimate I would spend my entire life in prison, but at the moment I struck, I did not regret it. I thought, I finally did something for the little eyes.

"Little Eyes, I have come out. Xiao Jingjing said you were here, so I came to see you," Lin Jiarui said, tightly holding my hand.

I have been nitpicking, using my resentment towards them to compensate for the harm I have suffered