Chapter 10, The Difficult First Step

By the time he has mastered it, it will be long forgotten when that will be; by then, the one named "Yan Ke" will probably have turned to dust.

Having completed her tasks, there were no other arrangements for that day. These two matters lifted her spirits—unlike the usual aimless browsing for entertainment online. Although she smiled during those times, there was still a subtle sense of oppression in her mind, knowing that there were certain thoughts she should not entertain. The moment she did, it felt as if she would lose consciousness, as if a stone weighed heavily on her heart

When procrastination has become a deeply ingrained habit, and when a person has developed feelings of anxiety or even despair towards it, it may no longer be merely a bad habit but rather a form of psychological disorder

The "vegetable sellers" were already a nuisance, and the "smelly" vegetable sellers even more so—during that era, it seemed that people had not yet managed to break free from the mindset of a planned economy, maintaining a certain vigilance and disdain towards small vendors and individual entrepreneurs. These children did not understand, but they often overheard discussions and gradually developed a vague concept of class.

Some people encounter significant setbacks, while others face minor ones. However, sometimes setbacks do not have a distinction of size; they can only be categorized as "manageable" or "unmanageable"

It seems that she does not have a sense of priority in her heart, nor a distinction between major and minor matters. Regardless of the immense pressure that bears down on her, her attention can easily be diverted by trivial matters. However, this does not indicate a truly open-minded nature—though she may be distracted, she cannot stray far, as she will soon be drawn back.

For example, he will know that his pencil case is more expensive than those used by his classmates, and that his backpack costs as much as a month's salary of his classmates' parents. "What others do not have, I have"—this is the coordinate at which children who understand nothing begin to find their place in collective life.

What exactly is wrong? Ye Zilu cannot express it.

Yan Ke, taking advantage of the faint light that seeped through the gap in the curtains, glanced at the already soundly sleeping Ye Zilu, and thought to herself: If she can accomplish what is written in the notebook tomorrow morning, I must go to the hospital at least once.

At ten minutes to eleven that morning, Ye Zilu finally completed the entire set of practice questions. Her shoulders were stiff, and she had made mistakes on more than half of them. This seemed like a frustrating outcome, yet she did not feel unhappy at all, as if she had truly taken a dose of medicine, feeling completely relaxed all over

Yan Ke himself has been referred to implicitly by others since childhood: "This is Mr. Yan's son"

But what did he do

Every day he thinks about very practical issues, to the extent that when he suddenly has time to stop and reflect, he finds that as soon as he closes his eyes, he still recalls the face of his mother when she was young, stern and heavy, somewhat unfamiliar, even frightening, as if a judge were looking down on him and delivering a very ruthless evaluation.

"I also like to pinch the little bear's face and bottom," said Ye Zilu

And now, that stone has miraculously become imperceptible

Even through the cotton and fabric that make up the body, one can still feel its rigidity

She is just a little girl. Yan Ke questioned herself in that usual, harsh tone, "What about you? How much better are you than her?"

At this moment, everything was silent. Yan Ke lowered his voice slightly and asked, "What is wrong with you?"

Ye Zilu took half an hour longer than expected to complete the practice questions. She paused several times in between, tempted to put down her pen and go online, but was interrupted by Yan Ke. The man reminded her in a low, calm voice: "There is still half a bowl left, finish it. If you don't finish it, it won't be of any use."

His thoughts were astonishingly clear in the darkness—after so many years, had he been living so hard just to die early? At this moment, he was so frightened that he didn't even dare to confirm anything, subconsciously thinking of escape, constantly persuading himself that Ye Zilu was unreliable, and that he needed to prepare for himself in every possible way... Even to the extent of practicing walking from now on, just to be able to walk to the hospital with his five-centimeter-long broken leg... So at this moment, he was so frightened that he didn't even dare to confirm anything, subconsciously thinking of escape, constantly persuading himself that Ye Zilu was unreliable, and that he needed to prepare for himself in every possible way... Even to the extent of practicing walking from now on, just to be able to walk to the hospital with his five-centimeter-long broken leg...

I fear that I might die just like this, or that I may never wake up again. How can I accept that?

Only Yan Ke remained alone ... A bear sat silently in the darkness

For the first time in his life, he faced scolding and experienced emotional neglect, leaving a deeper impression on Yan Ke than anyone could imagine. As a result, he began to overcorrect himself, to the extent that even after entering middle school at around the age of ten, he was reluctant to ask for pocket money.

His parents gradually became a burden to him, casting a shadow over his life, relentlessly pushing him to move forward

Yan Ke felt that the little sympathy she had just experienced had instantly evaporated from the Earth, and that precious emotion had been wasted

Yan Ke accidentally tripped his left foot over his right foot and fell onto Ye Zilu's bedside table, landing with a thud. Due to the roundness of his back, he rolled a bit before he could get up. After struggling for a long time without success, he had no choice but to lie on the bedside table, panting, and suggested, "Actually, you can start with the simplest plan—like committing to doing a set of civil service exam questions every morning after getting out of bed. After that, you can do whatever you want. It only requires a bit of willpower each morning when you wake up. Surely, you can't be unable to do even this?"

He should clearly tell her that he wants to go to the hospital for a check-up. The original matching of soul and body should have its allure. He firmly believes that as long as he has the opportunity to get close to his own body, he will surely be able to return, to awaken, and to recover

The soul has switched bodies; even though he still maintains the habit of resting at night, he seems to no longer need sleep without any physiological burdens. Yan Ke suddenly recalled many things from the past, from graduating high school until now, he seems to have always been very busy

When he was young, he had also felt quite pleased with himself for this. In the first grade of elementary school, he got into a fight with a classmate, who was also a coward. Unable to win, the classmate cried and said, "I'll go home and tell my dad to come find you!"

She simply feels that her life has fallen into a strange cycle; apart from the small area of her bedside, everywhere else makes her uneasy. She stands in that small circle, desperately trying to escape, yet dares not take a single step.

At this point, Ye Zilu has finally taken her first step out of the battlefield.

How can one say that "life and death" is not a significant matter if one has never struggled desperately at the brink of life and death

The little boys all find this statement very cool, but now that I think about it, if you have never died, how can you know the meaning of being alive

Practicing walking in the body of this foolish bear, as well as spending an entire day mocking a young girl's wavering willpower

Ye Zilu remained silent, clutching a pillow against the headboard, her gaze vacant, her complexion pale. Her disheveled figure under the dim light of the bedside lamp revealed a stark collarbone, making her appear like a gaunt and forlorn ghostly woman

As he grew older, Yan Ke began to increasingly resent others mentioning his father. He thought to himself, with a name that consists of only two characters, why do others insist on using the lengthy title of "Mr. Yan's son" instead?

Ye Zilu slowly raised her head. Her eyes, which were already slightly larger than others, were swollen and red from crying, making them appear even bigger than usual. She looked considerably younger, resembling a helpless little animal

Yan Ke felt that this girl was like a lunatic, her mood index constantly fluctuating between two extremes—just in the evening, she was endlessly watching videos, laughing uncontrollably, and in no time at all, she was heartbroken to the point of despair.

At this moment, his body and soul had strangely separated. Yan Ke was actually more bewildered than Ye Zilu. In his view, Ye Zilu stood at a corner of a stagnant life, while he himself stood at the intersection of life and death

Yan Ke, being young and naive, had a vocabulary primarily derived from television dramas and advertisements, most of which she understood only partially. For some reason, she blurted out, "What use is it to find your dad? Isn't your dad just a stinky vegetable seller?"

"It's just a set of questions, and you only need to do this one thing in a day," Yan Ke said. "Just think, once you finish, you can do whatever you want. The sooner you finish, the quicker you will feel liberated. Treat it like a dose of medicine; although it might be a bit bitter, once you take this medicine, you will be free for the day, and you won't have to feel anxious at night or cry into your pillow. Just give it a try; it will definitely work."

The next morning, Ye Zilu indeed followed Yan Ke's suggestion and wrote in her notebook: to complete a set of exercises

On that occasion, Yan Ke faced the most terrifying punishment of his life; even the usual criticism and education were absent. His father unilaterally engaged in a cold war with him for an entire week, treating young Yan Ke as if he were invisible, not uttering a single word to him. Even his usually very easy-going mother, Yan Mama, ignored him.

Are you that sad? Yan Ke's heart, which is equally harsh towards others and himself, suddenly softened a little. He lowered his voice slightly and continued to suggest, "How about this, you can try it for a week first. Just place a small notebook next to your pillow, and every morning when you wake up, take it out and write down the things you need to do in the morning. Once you have completed them, put the notebook away, and then you will be free for the rest of the day. What do you think? Gradually, it will get better."

In my childhood, while reciting texts, there is a line from "Lantingji Xu" that Yan Ke still remembers: "The ancients said, 'Life and death are indeed significant matters; how can one not feel pain!'"

Yan Ke felt somewhat infected by Ye Zilu, as if she had also contracted that strange, previously unheard of "procrastination".

"Alright... you are here, I will try my best to restrain myself, and in the future, you should still be innocent." Ye Zilu, this carefree person, concluded with this statement and swiftly turned off the light to sleep.

Mother Yan said something very serious to Yan Ke, who had not yet turned seven years old: "What you are showing off to your classmates has nothing to do with you? That is your father's ability, what do you have? You can't even sell vegetables."

In the stillness of the deep night, he felt that he had lived these years like a constantly winding clockwork.

Yan Ke has become a perfectionist, spending nearly twenty years seemingly devoted to proving that he can accomplish tasks of higher technical content than selling vegetables. Unfortunately, Yan Ke's mother has likely long forgotten the lesson she taught her young son many years ago, which he would casually mention.

What does that have to do with you? That is your father's skill; you can't even sell vegetables

Yan Ke's grandfather was once the mayor of Long City. As it passed down to his parents' generation, they gradually moved from initially relying on the elder's connections to slowly forging their own paths and building their own careers. Meanwhile, his grandfather also gradually transformed from "the old mayor" to "Yan Jingming's father-in-law"

Ye Zilu had actually cried for a while, but she felt much better now. Her emotions always came and went quickly. After thinking seriously about it, she felt that Yan Ke's words made a lot of sense, so she obediently nodded. She even kindly helped the little bear on the bedside table, which had been unable to turn over for half a day, to sit up. Her palm brushed against the bear's fur, and she inadvertently complained, "I used to sleep with the little bear when I was unhappy..."

Unfortunately, the fight was overheard by the teacher who arrived upon hearing the news, and the teacher truthfully conveyed the information to the parents of the student Yan Ke.

Upon hearing this, Yan Ke felt her scalp tingle with shock