Chapter 1, I will no longer traverse, you all come.
However, this old charlatan grabbed me and said: "What must I do for you to believe that I am a deity?"
The first to notice me were two "dinosaurs" lingering on the street, these two women weighed at least 300 kilograms combined. Upon hearing the shout of the old charlatan, they glanced over here unintentionally, and then screamed as if a stranger's hand had reached into their pants. Fortunately, it was just past one in the afternoon, and luckily, I was wearing a black silk shirt and 7-point shorts, so I lowered my head and did not attract anyone's attention
In any case, I couldn't bring myself to leave. I speculate that this old fellow might just write a series of books: "I see that your extraordinary physique marks you as a peerless master among millions... From now on, the task of maintaining world peace will be entrusted to you"
I : `` ... ... ''
The Jade Emperor was very angry, and the consequences were severe. His original intention was to strike you with nine thunders, but that day happened to be the seventh day of the seventh month. Thanks to the kind words of the Seventh Princess, it was changed to a single thunder strike instead
I pretended to be in a difficult situation and said: "Is there any activity funding? Let's start with a few hundred million to spend. Since it's a 'fairyland', I should at least get a couple of ladies in qipaos, and maybe arrange for a few cranes or something, right?"
But a master is indeed a master; he spoke a breathtakingly stunning phrase to me, which led me to wholeheartedly admire him, resulting in a series of misfortunes that followed.
The matter must be explained from the beginning
The old mystic raised his head and pondered for a moment, then said: "Yes, you have summarized it very accurately..."
Then, Liu Laoliu brought a tall and sturdy man, dressed like a country bumpkin, in front of me and introduced him, saying: "This is Jing Ke"
You were originally destined to become an immortal, but just at the moment before the Immortal Affairs Department (on par with the Human Resources Department) was about to grant approval, you fell in love with a female fairy. This matter was not supposed to be significant, but it brought immense public pressure to the realm of immortals and highlighted a long-standing, difficult issue: what moral standards should be used to evaluate a person who is on the verge of becoming immortal but has not yet achieved it
Later, the celestial realm reached a conclusion regarding your situation: that is, falling in love with a fairy before you attain immortality should not be subject to punishment
I : `` ... ... ''
"Almost. This is the domino effect; any one of them going back could potentially reshape history, so they cannot be allowed to return to their own time." After I said this, I felt that things were about to go awry, "You aren't planning to bring all those people here, are you?"
You might as well say that I have become an imbecile
"What do you want me to do? Just say it." I, having regained my masculine form, still maintained a tone of righteous defiance. Even if he were a deity, I had 5 yuan in my pocket; what could he possibly do to me?
I originally thought the old charlatan would readily agree, but he said that the things others write about, like money and beautiful women, are merely trivial props. To my surprise, this detestable old charlatan actually said: "I don't care about those things; the celestial realm is meant to test you, so you must find a way on your own. Moreover—those people have seen everything, so don't bother yourself with it. If you agree, I will bring the first client to you tonight." Moreover—those people have seen everything, so don't bother yourself with it. If you agree, I will bring the first client to you tonight.
What are you talking about? In fact, I am not interested in becoming an immortal. How about becoming a five-star general? Teasing Chang'e can still turn one into a moonlit pig.
In the midst of a violent upheaval, two dinosaurs charged towards me. I had no choice but to press my tongue against the roof of my mouth and, with a shout from my dantian, employed the skill of "pulling up a bamboo shoot from dry land" to leap (or climb) into the park's wall. Through the railing, I desperately pleaded with the old sorcerer: "Please turn me back!"
As the saying goes, "Boredom breeds mischief," I, a person of leisure, sat in front of the old man, coughing idly with the mindset that being idle is still being idle. The main reason I am not afraid of being deceived by him is that I only have 5 yuan in my pocket
This is how it is. When the old charlatan was leaving me, he said: "Don't call me the old charlatan anymore, my name is Liu Lao Liu. Also, I will bring the client to you tonight..."
He told me: "The white sand you smoked is fake"
There is no difference anyway, since you are dead
The old charlatan laughed proudly, saying: "Who says otherwise? The King of Hell deceives them into thinking they will be taken to the 'Fairyland' to complete a year of their lifespan, and this 'Fairyland' refers to your place."
Now, under the King of Hell, there is a pile of trouble, and the celestial realm is looking for someone to take the blame. It seems that this matter must be dealt with, otherwise, it would lead to the question of "Why do people do this, and why do I have to do that?"
The underworld has recently been quite unsettled. The reason is that the judge, while attending the wedding of the King of Hell's brother-in-law, drank too much and inadvertently reduced the lifespans of a large number of people on the Book of Life and Death by one year. To make amends, the King of Hell had no choice but to implement the policy of 'short one, return two' or even 'short one, return three,' allowing that year to be compensated in their next lives. However, it is important to note that while ordinary people are relatively easy to deal with, some individuals are adamant about not accepting this, such as historical figures and emperors. These individuals have significant backgrounds, and the King of Hell dares not offend them; thus, he has no choice but to agree to let them return to the mortal realm for another year of carefree living.
What does this have to do with me
Let us dispense with idle chatter and return to the main topic
This and - the - book, the old charlatan pretended to shake his head: "Those are tricks of swindlers, and I am a celestial being—let me ask you: do you want to become a celestial being too?"
Have you ever considered what consequences would arise if they were returned to their respective eras? What would happen to Liu Bang and Xiang Yu in that year? What about Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi? Would Li Shimin kill Wu Zetian? Could Genghis Khan alter the map of today? Not to mention these individuals, if Li Bai and Du Fu were to linger in the mundane world for another year, who knows what influential works they might produce? What peculiar inventions could Cai Lun come up with—do you understand what I mean by this?
Do you believe I am a deity
That day, as I was walking without bothering anyone, I passed by the outer wall of the park when a dirty old man waved at me with his very postmodern dirty hand: "Little friend, do you have a fortune today..."
I straightened my back and said, "The story is very exciting, but I haven't eaten yet, goodbye to you."
I said with a smile, "Then you first calculate my surname, the year I was born, and what I do. If you get it right, I will give you money"
I lazily said, "If you don't let go, I will hit you in the face with a brick!"
Do not be emotional; I am here to help you. Do you still remember what I told you? As long as you assist them in their tasks, they will allow you to attain immortality
I am truly unfortunate, indeed
As soon as these words were spoken, my feelings were akin to what a reader of a certain popular novel might express: I felt as if a certain flower had somehow affected me in a certain way
At this moment, the two dinosaurs were only a wall away from me. One of them merely grasped the railing and shook it slightly, causing the entire wall to begin crumbling down. I reached out my hand through the railing and cried out in a pitiful voice: "Ru Hua, you should go, don't worry about me..."
Why not give it a try—I'm asking why you don't say something that would allow me to prove that I am a deity
I have a habit of buying cigarettes from the small shop across the door at home. Today, when I went out, I realized I had no cigarettes on me. To my surprise, the pack I bought turned out to be fake. No wonder people say that for a man, the level of frustration from buying a pack of counterfeit cigarettes is second only to discovering on his wedding night that his wife is not a virgin.
Therefore, they decided to compensate you. Now you have two choices: the first is to do something for them for the rest of your life, and after that, it will naturally follow that you will be elevated to become a deity
This old guy pointed at me, and without him saying anything, I felt something was off. My buddy, although not as "impressive" as an AV male star, seemed to vanish like a grain husk in a level 12 typhoon! I covered my crotch, and this old bastard actually pushed me onto the street, shouting: "Look at Zhang Ziyi!"
After the old man finished speaking, within 0.01 seconds, I felt that the five yuan in my pocket was no longer safe
Because this is a transaction: you mediate for them, and they allow you to become immortal. Therefore, we will refer to these individuals as clients from now on. You may agree or disagree. If you choose not to agree... the old charlatan took out his sunglasses and put them on, then pulled out a pen-like object, "I will take a picture of you. However, I must declare in advance: this thing is not very effective and may cause you to forget many things, including your surname, your given name, who your parents are, and whether you are male or female, etc.
People traverse history to become kings and rulers; even the most conservative can return to the Ming Dynasty to be a prince, while I can only be subjected to reverse time travel. Yesterday, Liu Laoliu and the library brought back this guy who turned out to be Jing Ke
After a long period of chaos, the old charlatan finally transformed me back, then he put on a pair of sunglasses, took out a pen-like object, and said to the two dinosaurs: "Look here..." With a click, the two dinosaurs stood there in a daze (for details, see "Men in Black"). But after a moment of stupor—"Zhang Ziyi!" one of the dinosaurs shouted. The old charlatan was drenched in sweat, murmuring, "It seems that Western goods are indeed unreliable..." But after a moment of stupor—"Zhang Ziyi!" one of the dinosaurs shouted. The old charlatan was drenched in sweat, murmuring, "It seems that Western goods are indeed unreliable..."
... ...
I am truly foolish, indeed (in the style of Xianglin's Wife). I actually made such a bizarre request
The second option was proposed by the Queen Mother. Her intention was: since you are fond of that little fairy, let us test your bond across three lifetimes. If you can be together in every life, then you shall ascend to immortality together
I interjected and asked: "What is the difference between nine thunders striking the top and one thunder striking the top?"
"Unless you turn me into a woman!" I caught sight of Zhang Ziyi on the advertisement poster across the building, "If you turn me into Zhang Ziyi, then I will believe you"
I am very curious, may I ask: "What about the second option?"
To be honest, my first instinct was that a professor from Peking University was disguised as a con artist conducting research on psychological matters. I even secretly glanced around, but did not find anything that resembled a hidden camera.
What an extraordinary opening remark, wouldn't you hesitate to leave as well?
I pointed at the old charlatan's nose and sternly told him: "As an ordinary person, it is my duty to do something for the celestial realm. How can you doubt my enlightenment?"
Subsequent events can be entirely described as a series of twists and turns.
However, I ... ...
It is him, the one who assassinated Qin Shi Huang, the guy who likes to hold a concert before getting things done